Childhood Trauma: You know it’s not right but you don’t know why it’s not right
Do you remember your childhood pediatrician? If so, was it because he was a friend of the family? Maybe it was because she made you feel better. Did he give you a toy after every visit or she would make silly faces to make you laugh?
I remember the pediatrician I had when I was a kid. In fact, I will never forget him. He was not a friend of the family, no toys were given out after a visit, I never remember him making me smile, and I always felt much worse as soon as the appointment was over. I also remember that his office had two entrances. The front door was for his white patients. The back door was for his black patients. As a small child I did not understand why there were separate doors nor was I ever brave enough to ask.
Mom came into the exam room with me for every appointment. Dr. Black would speak with Mom to find out the reason for the visit and immediately turn his attention to me.
He was a large man. Not necessarily tall, but fat with a white head of hair. I also remember that he would always position himself during the exam so that Mom could only see him and not my small frame on the exam table.
He would always begin with his placing the cold stethoscope on my chest To listen to my heart beating. He would again place it on my back and thump his fingers on my back. A thermometer filled with mercury would be used to check my temperature. This routine was the same regardless of my visit. Even when I went in for the small pox vaccine, I had to endure a full exam.
There was one additional procedure that Dr. Black performed each time that made me feel very uncomfortable. He would stick his hand inside my panties and fondle me. It seemed to last forever but I am sure it was just a few seconds. The first time it happened I looked over at Mom certain that she was going to put a stop to it. She was reading a magazine not even aware of the sexual abuse that had occured. I still didn’t know if this was ok, but I did know that my previous pediatrician NEVER did this to me. I was just too young to recognize that what he was doing was wrong. Dr. Black was too smart to get caught.
I had an opportunity to expose Dr. Black several years ago. Someone from my hometown posted on FaceBook that Dr. Black had passed away. Their post was full of praise for him. I knew that I could not let this opportunity go by without exposing Dr. Black for the vile individual that he was.
I commented that he was an awful person and that I was sexually abused by him. I was chastised for my comments since Dr. Black was no longer alive to defend himself. I did not care. I felt better. I wanted everyone to know what he had done to me. Thankfully, a couple of other people also said that they too had experienced the same groping that I described. It was healing to have my experience confirmed by others although at no time did I doubt my memory. It was also healing to expose Dr. Black for the monster he was.
Somehow I survived childhood. I have the emotional scars I am sure. The trauma I endured continues to effect me every single day.